Welcome to the Land of Smiles, where the first thing you see when you turn on the TV is a Japanese girl licking cum off her shoulder and the hotel security guard offers to take you to a tiger show that he's acting in. Nope this ain't no disco. It ain't no country club either. This is Bangkok. Yes it was lotsa fun, and no I didn't get any STDs. The doctors were worried and judgemental but only for themselves because we met them at the airport in Bangkok.
Day 1 : The Tension Begins
We leave the house at at 6AM - I pinch myself hard to remind myself that I am going to Malaysia's Mexico with my family. Airport - I despise security checks because I always have to striptease the belt, watch and my metals when we want to board. And everyone always gets to pass it real fast while I am still collecting back my belt, watch and metals and reassembling. And finally it's takeoff.
A View From The Air
Thai Airways gives away an orchid to those who behave on flight. I didn't get one. Had I knew of this policy, I wouldn't have shouted for the wine so much.
Upon arrival, I realise that Sarah is a liar, she says everyone gets free condoms at the airport. But I waited and there was no rubber.
We arrive at the hotel, it's right in the city, like 45 minutes from the airport. We realise how polluted and black the buildings are. The traffic is nuts. It's true what they say about Bangkok traffic and roads - it's always busy and made up of a lot of intersections and backlanes, and you always have to avoid bikes, tut-tuts, stray animals, and petty traders. So noisy and crazy, some people wear masks, it's magnificent how alive the city is. Massive.
We check-in to our hotel where we get upgraded to deluxe suites on the top floor. The first thing on hotel TV is porn, we seemed to have got one of those channels for free.
Pink Cabs : Lotsa Toyota Cabs At Bangkok
We grab a quick bite near the hotel and find our way to Siam Center after making some enquiries on tour packages. We come across Bangkok's equivalents of MidValley and Sg Wang which doesn't really interest me - the kids hang out there ... boring stuff. We do come across this market area where an indie band is performing and I go on to join the kids to check out the stage.
Indie In Town : The Band Was Good, The Kids Loved It
The Exchange : Kids Trading CDs, Books and Stuff
We're getting a preview of the market but nothing will prepare us for the shopping that is to come. We pass by HRC and Black Canyon Coffee (which I enjoyed and recently realised there's one at Summit USJ). Dinner was at where locals eat, we make a good point to avoid 'em tourist overpriced stuff.
Hard Rock Cafe
Heart Shaped Rice
Back to the hotel where I get home first to prepare to check out the pool. I choose to turn on that TV again and I press these buttons on the remote but nothing happens. Then I realise I am requesting for pay TV so I check the brochure and it turns out I subscribed to Channel 5 which is 24 hours of adult entertaintment for 500 baht (about RM50). Okayyy .. shouldn't there be some kinda confirmation screen ?! Young unsuspectful kids may get cheated into paying for what they think is Jap anime ! I start to panic and I choose to dash out of the room and into the pool.
The hotel's swimming pool is tiny but it overlooks the hotel and gives you a view of the bustling city. Unfortunately, a bunch of fat Thai kids and their dad are playing "My Futha Is A Shark" inside the pool and they splash water everywhere, ruining everybody's swim. How inconsiderate.
It's been a long day and a memo in a hotel informs us that a Miss Apple will be our tour guide the next day. My mind starts to wonder on how Miss Apple got her name. And whether she's edible. Land of Erotic Smiles.
Day 2 : Wear Cargo Pants
We begin our day early and the hotel's breakfast is yummy. They serve a heaven's load of bacon. But breakfast is rush because Miss Apple the cutie is waiting to take Malaysians on a half day tour. That's right, we go on to pickup other Malaysian refugees from other hotels, among them a matress salesman and and a tall mother with her tall daughters. We go on to check out the Emerald Buddha and I overhear other tourists enquiring on where to get pussies and a tour guide telling them about his first anal experience. Land of Anal Smiles it is now.
Pork On The Side
The Apple Of My Eye, Heart, Liver, and Other Miscellaneous Organs
We choose to divert from the tour and head towards the Palace. As it turns out some kind of ceremony will take place soon because the country will be celebrating a public holiday - the anniversary ceremonials of the passing of that King from that King And I and Anna And The King movie - the same King responsible for modernising Siam. Clothing to the Palace is strict and my mum and sis get diverted into a changing room where additional clothes are provided to comply with the dress code.
Boleh Pinjam Lighter ?
Okay ... The Palace Is A Blue Screen
After that it's off to Jatujak market where it's just fabulous - huge rows of shops and traders selling everything from t-shirts to handicraft to home stuff to beads to the whole works.
VietCong Central : Communist Merchandise On Sale
Tarot Card Readings
Alcoholic Coffee Stall
After hours of exhaustive walking, we head to Big C for dinner where I realise how good looking Thai people are - their features and much refined and their presentable in appearance. Such lovely people. Land of Nice Toned Skin. Deep down my hormones are raging for Miss Apple.
I head back to the hotel for a swim (I choose to avoid the TV) but to my shock, the Thai kids and their dad are splashing water again. I find out that today their playing "My Futha Is A Turtle." Sigh. We get another mission briefing that tomorrow Miss Apple is taking us to the floating market and wood carving factory.
Day 3 : Marketing
We again wake up early, earlier than the last few days for more bacon and to reunite with Miss Apple. She takes us 150 km out to the old city capital where we get on boats and check out the floating market. Again I realise even petty traders here wear makeup and the kampung Thai chiks are so hawt. Fruits, food and handicraft are being sold.
Maintain Sunglass Cool Factor
Colours of the Market
We head on down to the wood carving factory where everything is quoted in USD.
Freaky Doll with Freaky Drink Gets Her Own Chair
And then it's off for lunch with the other fellow Malaysian refugees where we start comparing how much everyone paid for the holiday package. It turns ugly as we start to realise we paid the most compared to everyone else. Fueled with anger, jealousy and Malaysian kiasuisme, the boyband quickly falls apart and we're going seperate directions vying never to meet again esp at the airport tomorrow. We go shopping at MBK where I pickup some mean tshirts and stuff for lovers back home. Deep down Miss Apple is still saying cute things to me in my head, like "baby want to get on a real tour ?"
Dunkin Devils Have Their Halloween Tentacles Out
Anyhoo, it is 6PM and already dark by the time we're done, and we head back to explore the area near our hotel. After authentic Thai dinner and picking up a silk tailor made shirt for RM60, I check out the pool again. To my pleasant surprise, it's empty and I get to do my rounds. But not so soon after, the Thai fat stacks are back and they jump into the pool. The father quickly announces the theme of today's games : "My Futha Is An Inconsiderate Lamer Dolphin." Sigh.
Day 4 : Smiles No More
In so soon, I have to leave Bangkok at 12PM and we still insist on last minute shopping - sunglasses, clothes, handicraft, we're doing it. My dad chooses to check the hotel bills in my presence and a moment of intense suspense follows as the receptionist asks for our room number and stares at the screen. Then looks at us. Stares at the screen again. Then looks at me. Then gives a sinister smile. My brain already prepares "But dad, they didn't say it was PayTV!!!" defense. But as it turns out, there were no bills. Well why didn't they mention it earlier. I guess there was a confirmation screen after all.
A View From The Top Floor
And it's off to airport where we meet some of my mum's colleagues (doctors) who insist that their conference went great but didn't get any proceedings or forgot what the conference was about. Also strange how they were wearing beach shorts, smiling a lot, but walked slowly and refused to sit down for some reason.
From then on, we bid byebye to Land of Lots Of Roasted Pork On Streetside Stalls and this time, I get an orchid from the stewardess.
Good on board behaviour pays off well and I display my orchid to everyone as the rest of the passengers look at me with envy. Haha.
Later my dad points out that only women get it.
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