Land Of Smiles - My Trip To Bangkok

Welcome to the Land of Smiles, where the first thing you see when you turn on the TV is a Japanese girl licking cum off her shoulder and the hotel security guard offers to take you to a tiger show that he's acting in. Nope this ain't no disco. It ain't no country club either. This is Bangkok. Yes it was lotsa fun, and no I didn't get any STDs. The doctors were worried and judgemental but only for themselves because we met them at the airport in Bangkok.

Day 1 : The Tension Begins
We leave the house at at 6AM - I pinch myself hard to remind myself that I am going to Malaysia's Mexico with my family. Airport - I despise security checks because I always have to striptease the belt, watch and my metals when we want to board. And everyone always gets to pass it real fast while I am still collecting back my belt, watch and metals and reassembling. And finally it's takeoff.



A View From The Air

Thai Airways gives away an orchid to those who behave on flight. I didn't get one. Had I knew of this policy, I wouldn't have shouted for the wine so much.

Upon arrival, I realise that Sarah is a liar, she says everyone gets free condoms at the airport. But I waited and there was no rubber.

We arrive at the hotel, it's right in the city, like 45 minutes from the airport. We realise how polluted and black the buildings are. The traffic is nuts. It's true what they say about Bangkok traffic and roads - it's always busy and made up of a lot of intersections and backlanes, and you always have to avoid bikes, tut-tuts, stray animals, and petty traders. So noisy and crazy, some people wear masks, it's magnificent how alive the city is. Massive.

We check-in to our hotel where we get upgraded to deluxe suites on the top floor. The first thing on hotel TV is porn, we seemed to have got one of those channels for free.



Pink Cabs : Lotsa Toyota Cabs At Bangkok

We grab a quick bite near the hotel and find our way to Siam Center after making some enquiries on tour packages. We come across Bangkok's equivalents of MidValley and Sg Wang which doesn't really interest me - the kids hang out there ... boring stuff. We do come across this market area where an indie band is performing and I go on to join the kids to check out the stage.



Indie In Town : The Band Was Good, The Kids Loved It



The Exchange : Kids Trading CDs, Books and Stuff

We're getting a preview of the market but nothing will prepare us for the shopping that is to come. We pass by HRC and Black Canyon Coffee (which I enjoyed and recently realised there's one at Summit USJ). Dinner was at where locals eat, we make a good point to avoid 'em tourist overpriced stuff.



Hard Rock Cafe



Heart Shaped Rice

Back to the hotel where I get home first to prepare to check out the pool. I choose to turn on that TV again and I press these buttons on the remote but nothing happens. Then I realise I am requesting for pay TV so I check the brochure and it turns out I subscribed to Channel 5 which is 24 hours of adult entertaintment for 500 baht (about RM50). Okayyy .. shouldn't there be some kinda confirmation screen ?! Young unsuspectful kids may get cheated into paying for what they think is Jap anime ! I start to panic and I choose to dash out of the room and into the pool. 

The hotel's swimming pool is tiny but it overlooks the hotel and gives you a view of the bustling city. Unfortunately, a bunch of fat Thai kids and their dad are playing "My Futha Is A Shark" inside the pool and they splash water everywhere, ruining everybody's swim. How inconsiderate.

It's been a long day and a memo in a hotel informs us that a Miss Apple will be our tour guide the next day. My mind starts to wonder on how Miss Apple got her name. And whether she's edible. Land of Erotic Smiles.

Day 2 : Wear Cargo Pants
We begin our day early and the hotel's breakfast is yummy. They serve a heaven's load of bacon. But breakfast is rush because Miss Apple the cutie is waiting to take Malaysians on a half day tour. That's right, we go on to pickup other Malaysian refugees from other hotels, among them a matress salesman and and a tall mother with her tall daughters. We go on to check out the Emerald Buddha and I overhear other tourists enquiring on where to get pussies and a tour guide telling them about his first anal experience. Land of Anal Smiles it is now.



Pork On The Side



The Apple Of My Eye, Heart, Liver, and Other Miscellaneous Organs

We choose to divert from the tour and head towards the Palace. As it turns out some kind of ceremony will take place soon because the country will be celebrating a public holiday - the anniversary ceremonials of the passing of that King from that King And I and Anna And The King movie - the same King responsible for modernising Siam. Clothing to the Palace is strict and my mum and sis get diverted into a changing room where additional clothes are provided to comply with the dress code.



Boleh Pinjam Lighter ?



Okay ... The Palace Is A Blue Screen

After that it's off to Jatujak market where it's just fabulous - huge rows of shops and traders selling everything from t-shirts to handicraft to home stuff to beads to the whole works.



VietCong Central : Communist Merchandise On Sale



Tarot Card Readings



Alcoholic Coffee Stall

After hours of exhaustive walking, we head to Big C for dinner where I realise how good looking Thai people are - their features and much refined and their presentable in appearance. Such lovely people. Land of Nice Toned Skin. Deep down my hormones are raging for Miss Apple.

I head back to the hotel for a swim (I choose to avoid the TV) but to my shock, the Thai kids and their dad are splashing water again. I find out that today their playing "My Futha Is A Turtle." Sigh. We get another mission briefing that tomorrow Miss Apple is taking us to the floating market and wood carving factory.

Day 3 : Marketing
We again wake up early, earlier than the last few days for more bacon and to reunite with Miss Apple. She takes us 150 km out to the old city capital where we get on boats and check out the floating market. Again I realise even petty traders here wear makeup and the kampung Thai chiks are so hawt. Fruits, food and handicraft are being sold.



Maintain Sunglass Cool Factor



Colours of the Market

We head on down to the wood carving factory where everything is quoted in USD.



Freaky Doll with Freaky Drink Gets Her Own Chair

And then it's off for lunch with the other fellow Malaysian refugees where we start comparing how much everyone paid for the holiday package. It turns ugly as we start to realise we paid the most compared to everyone else. Fueled with anger, jealousy and Malaysian kiasuisme, the boyband quickly falls apart and we're going seperate directions vying never to meet again esp at the airport tomorrow. We go shopping at MBK where I pickup some mean tshirts and stuff for lovers back home. Deep down Miss Apple is still saying cute things to me in my head, like "baby want to get on a real tour ?"



Dunkin Devils Have Their Halloween Tentacles Out

Anyhoo, it is 6PM and already dark by the time we're done, and we head back to explore the area near our hotel. After authentic Thai dinner and picking up a silk tailor made shirt for RM60, I check out the pool again. To my pleasant surprise, it's empty and I get to do my rounds. But not so soon after, the Thai fat stacks are back and they jump into the pool. The father quickly announces the theme of today's games : "My Futha Is An Inconsiderate Lamer Dolphin." Sigh.


Day 4 : Smiles No More
In so soon, I have to leave Bangkok at 12PM and we still insist on last minute shopping - sunglasses, clothes, handicraft, we're doing it. My dad chooses to check the hotel bills in my presence and a moment of intense suspense follows as the receptionist asks for our room number and stares at the screen. Then looks at us. Stares at the screen again. Then looks at me. Then gives a sinister smile. My brain already prepares "But dad, they didn't say it was PayTV!!!" defense. But as it turns out, there were no bills. Well why didn't they mention it earlier. I guess there was a confirmation screen after all.



A View From The Top Floor

And it's off to airport where we meet some of my mum's colleagues (doctors) who insist that their conference went great but didn't get any proceedings or forgot what the conference was about. Also strange how they were wearing beach shorts, smiling a lot, but walked slowly and refused to sit down for some reason.

From then on, we bid byebye to Land of Lots Of Roasted Pork On Streetside Stalls and this time, I get an orchid from the stewardess.

Good on board behaviour pays off well and I display my orchid to everyone as the rest of the passengers look at me with envy. Haha.

Later my dad points out that only women get it.

Chaos In Hell

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Super Ego! says:
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When Orphanages Turn Into A Business

I get to listen to at least 5 minutes of radio everytime I get into the car before I start fumbling for my music player. There have been some close calls with road crashes just coz I need my player like a druggie needs his fix.

Anyhoo I caught a glimpse of 5 minutes of commercial audio today, where callers were giving opinions to the morning show hosts on how to make a buka puasa session more interpesting. Well, one of the callers suggested that kids from an orphanage or charity home can come along for the buka puasa and party together with the DJs and listeners.

Want to vomit.

It makes me start to wonder now.

Orphanages are always the excuse for charity.

It's almost synonymous.

Whenever a company needs to boost it's public profile, whenever a service club like Interact or Rotaract want to do something for the community, or an incentive to throw an event or concert (certain % of ticket sales is given to charity) is needed, no hassle, we've got the orphanage to handle it. After all their constantly potrayed as the willing receiver.

No objections of course but think about the orphans themselves.

Maybe it's not cash they need.

Everytime a donation is made, or an event is held in which the orphanage will benefit, the kids have to show up to receive the cheque, buka puasa, smile for the cameras, perform something, play sports, do eye test, yada yada.

Do we even remember that these kids are regular kids who, in the first place, are in the orphanage to pursue a proper education like how peers their age are doing ? Maybe they should just go to school instead of doing PR work ? Are we helping to make it easier for these silent victims of circumstances to fit into society or are we constantly reminding them of who they are by parading them in public ?

I don't know. It's a busy schedule. Such glam lives they must lead. I hear there are rotation batches for which group of kids take turn to "party" at each event. Performance rehearasals, dressing up, getting into the van, there's always some place to go all the time, such itenary, bookings. Somebody's always giving away donations, we sure ain't gonn reject it, but we have to give face and show up. Smile for the cameras so that the press can provide coverage for the doners.

So imagine the management of the orphanage then. The scheduling, making sure the kids are presentable, having facts handy for speeches, co-ordinating the children, coming up with new performances, telling the press how lovely the doners are. Must have a template for that speech by now. We thank Simon Lee for his generous donations that will improve the lives of the children. And on top of that, their duties are to care for the kids. And this is still idealistic, it does sound like there is room for money siphening, say if I was an evil manager.

On the flipside, kids do need to get out.

But I disagree with the parading.

It's the age old issue of how we give away our money because thats the most we're willing to compromise on our comfort levels and we make ourselves feel better because we have done more than nothing. Yet it's like trying to fulfill a rich man's loneliness. "Sad ? Give you money k ? What else do you want ? Not bad already what, money's hard to come by. I helped you already, better than nothing." Right problem, wrong solution.

Well, want to do charity, just collect the money and go over to the orphanage and present the cheque. No need to publiscize live telecast web streaming SMS Faces Magazine and stuff. If you think it leaves room for abuse, then get a signed agreement letter beforehand between the to-be-doner and beneficiary stating how much or how many percentage of total sales of something and get it checked by accountants (or use a third party to carry out the transaction) ? After that, go ahead with the event or whatever then can send the cheque over. Officeboy also can do it for you. The charity organisation can then acknowledge, Press can cover the event in a small heading somewhere, please do mention how the kids' lives will improve specifically (the money goes to new bicycles / I get to pocket the money so if I am happy the kids are happy).

After all, doesn't mean even tho the kids show up at the event the cheque will clear.

Can They Match Up ?

It's obvious who these people are trying to be.
Will you buy it ?

Windows Drama

I woke up today from another nightmare. My beloved Jukebox PC installed some Windows updates, the pesky thing asked for a reboot. So I rebooted, and then it stopped working !!!

Lucky it was all a dream.

These nightmares are manisfestations of real fears.

A new Windows is being released next year. You won't be able to escape making the switch, well probably not as early as now when the beta tests versions are out for geeks to try out, but as a regular PC user you'll be expected to switch either when you buy a new PC that comes prebundled, when you realise that your new USB toy doesn't work with an old Windows, or when you succumb to peer pressure because everyone's talking about the added enhancements. Maybe it's the new kernel, the new operating system engine, the added desktop enhancements, support for video something, whatever. Fact is, eventually you lose. Well, you can choose to be hard headed and stick to XP, just like my friend who still uses Windows 98 in today's time and age. Then again he thinks a flower looks like a clitoris, so go figure.

Everytime a new Windows comes out, geeks rush to try it out, hackers meet at Sweden to break the anti piracy security functions, PC vendors help to spread the lurve by providing it pre-installed, Low Yat shopowners meet at a karaoke pub and then disappear into a door behind where a room full of CD burners mass produce the new Windows, and consumers sigh. I sigh.

Take for example my dillemma back in school when half the class had upgraded to the new Windows and I found myself eating alone during recess and having my Computer Club membership be classified as "questionable" until I could talk for 20 minutes on the new Windows features. I finally succumbed and installed the new version. Then my modem couldn't work so how was I to boast about my new found glory and reclaim my membership ? Easy, go online to get a new driver for the new Windows. But how to go online when the modem doesn't work ? Chicken and egg problem. It scarred me for life.

I had to beg people to find me a new driver online. To my dismay, the company that built the modem had close down. So, had to buy new modem. Everything has to be replaced if it doesn't work with the new Windows. Pain !

My nightmares will come true soon. In months, the new operating system will be unleashed. Right now their putting the finishing touches to the packaging in a secret factory in China, complete with the holographic seals that you will need to continue functioning in society, say the next time you buy food you have to provide your serial number and show the holographic sticker. There's no stopping the bad guys.

*hugs PC*

I Dream Of Hers

I've been having strange dreams.

Some happy, others nightmares.

People screaming. Commotion.

Hanging out with Tiesto.

Going out with Robyn from "The Apprentice."

"You can go in and see Mr. Trump now ..."

The end of the world.

Or robots taking over the planet.

Maybe it's me going somewhere.

Or it could be me eating vegetarian food (wait that's real).

But this week alone I've dreamnt of passionately kissing two people I know.

Two seperate dreams, a different person each time, two occurences within 7 days.

Of course they were women you idiot.

I find it quite freaky.

No I have not been thinking about them before this.

I feel uncomfortable.

Very strange.

Wonder how I'll look them in the eye now.

I called one of them to ask her out.

She said sure.

Then she asked why out of the blue ?

So I told her about the dream.

Suddenly she's busy for the rest of the year, most likely the next one too.

And the decade after that.

How do I explain these strange dreams ?

If this was a TV show, the first two episodes seem promising.

Can we expect threesome for Episode 3 ?

The producers are tight liped.

The cast isn't sure themselves.

In fact we don't even know when the next episode premieres.

OK.

I want the dreams to stop.

I want proper sleep again.

Need help.

Please advise.



Talks Of Episode 3 Airing Next Week ?

Services Currently

Isn't it annoying when you're trying to watch Medical Investigation and (Services currently not available) trying to do is to watch good TV and (Services currently not available) exciting part !!! I mean like (Services currently not available) pay for this type of service to tycoons who reside in Switzerland laughing to the bank (Services currently not available) while we (Services currently not available) hahah right. Now I have to wait till Sunday to watch the (Services currently not available) Miami since I missed out the most important part where H actually (Services currently not available). On top of that, my broadband only works at certain hours of the day and we're still (Services currently not available) unlimited usage.

Screw (Services currently not available), might as well be living in Africa (Services currently not available), don't pay for (Services so f*cked up, hit me I am your decoder, I am your bitch, the modem is the butch).

The Crooked Villians (CV)

Villian 1 : The Me

My recommendation letter from the evil boss came out today. It goes like "Simon rocks but I'm a pathological liar." So it's ready for me to attach to my CV.

As most would know I'm hitting at Internet companies first before I apply for something that's related to what I do. Bold move ? Well, yes. Here are things I've been considering for a new job :

1. Will I get to wear nice clothes ?

2. Can I wear funky ties daily ?

3. Do I get a pencil sharpener ?

Very crucial yet often overlooked criterias when we look for work.

Is there a dress code where you work ? I say be a rebel and wear the things you want. Do not let bureaucracy turn you into a fashion victim. It's just not worth it. It's not how you get there, it's what you wear there. Remember, dress like the position you want.


Villian 2 : The Me Again

In other news I am headed for Bangkok next week with the family, our last vacation before my sis leaves us. Can I rephrase ? Our last vacation before my sis moves out of her room. Rephrase. Our last vacation before I takeover her room and make it acoustically sound for my DJ friends to hangout and pat me on the head to tell me how cool and accepted I am. The end of peer pressure ! No more crying myself to sleep on whether I said "spread the lurrvvee" in the right tone today. Or whether they saw through me when I didn't know how to setup speakers. Maybe they found out I have no idea what car body kits are.


Villian 3 : The Cat & The Ex Lover

So Bangkok it is next weekend. The cat needs a home to stay. If anyone has a cage to rent, please let me know. An alternative was brought up today :

Colleague : "You go The Curve got the cat hotel there."

Me : "Huh ?"

Colleague : "Cat hotel. Cat stay. You pay. Cat hotel."

Me : "You mean cats only or animal hotel ?"

Colleague : "It's 5 star with cable."

No, cat hotels are expensive. Yet we can't trust the cat anywhere because she'll venture off. What is it with cats and being unloyal ? A connection between my ex and her liking cats, both of them turning out to be evil and exploitive (is there such a word ?).


Villian 4 : The Cheryl

She wants Minus One versions of Elton John's "Can You Feel The Lurrvee Tonight" and The Tokens' "The Lion Sleeps Tonight."

Why ?

I don't want to know.

All I know anyone who tempers with songs like that are up to no good.

Could've sworn if you inverse Elton John's vocals you'll hear "Can you feel the evil burning within you tonight, kill kill kill blood blood meat kill humans must not resist."

In that case, we got it mixed up and Metallica's a boyband.


Villian 5 : The Sarah

Wants me to help her crossfade music for Halloween party at college.

Forcing me with her curvacious figure to play pop music at a college function. For a college in Subang.

Complaints I'm a sellout but creates an outlet for me to channel my sellout-ness.

Evil is beauty. Beauty is evil.


Villian 6 : Simon Punk'd By Doofus

Doofus returns from overseas after many years since secondary school and shows up at Simon's gate.

Simon takes Doofus for a meal.

Time to pay.

Doofus : "How much ?"

Me : "Don't be an idiot. Let me buy ! We haven't met for ages."

Boss : "Make up your mind, who's paying for the overpriced grub I serve at this restaurant ?"

Doofus : "How much ?"

Me : "I insist !"

Doofus : "No .. don't you Simon. Don't bother. Please. I got it. I got this covered."

Me : "Sigh ... buy you the next one OK ?"

Boss : "As long as you guys pay and keep my fat wife and imported workers happy."

Me : "Well whatever .... if you insist."

Doofus : :)

Doofus : "Boss, how much .. ?"

Doofus : "For mine only."

Me : Top 10 Dumbfounded Moments

Me : *waits for Ashton Kutcher to come out screaming*

Me : *no cameras*

Me : *no Ashton Kutcher*

Me : *pays for my own meal*

Me : *no more hangin out with Doofus*